5 Months of Hell

I felt sick, breathless and angry.  Why was my ex phoning me to say that I was never seeing the kids again?  I felt so confused.  If I had been a bad father I could understand why someone would want me to stop seeing my children.  What had I done?!

The main thing I needed to do was to stay calm.  It took a lot of friends and family to help me do this.  In my head I wanted to drive up to the house they were living and demand answers but knowing how my ex had previously been I was fearful that she would call the police and this would add further to my problems.

I contacted the solicitors and explained the situation the next day.  They rapidly wrote a letter to her solicitor that went strangely unanswered.  As each day passed the pain got worse.  I would find myself constantly thinking about my children, were they ok?, do they miss me?, what was she telling them? why has she done this?  I was advised by the solicitor that I would need to either go to mediation and discuss the issues or go to court to set up a contact order.

My ex had made my life very difficult.  My house was up for sale as I could not afford to stay there and it was only when I had buyers that I found out that she had put a block on the sale by lodging herself on the deeds under matrimonial law, even though she no longer lived there meaning that any potential sale would need to be agreed by her as well as me.  My solicitor tried to contact her when I had buyers but she would not reply so I lost buyer after buyer, which made me more and more anxious.

One evening I received a phone call from a lady who took great delight in telling me that she was from the CSA.  I told the lady that I already paid maintenance for my children based on an agreement that I made when we first split up.  This however was not good enough for my ex who had discovered that she was entitled to 25% of my wages as we had three children.  I tried in vain to explain that I could only afford £200 a month as I was paying £900 for a mortgage on a house that my ex would not let me sell.  Even with loans and bills and fuel to get to work this did not deter the lady from the CSA who said that I should be paying £520 a month.  I could not seem to win the argument, I explained that I understood I had an obligation to pay towards my children but given the current circumstances which were out of my control I could not afford to pay that amount.  I was threatened by the CSA that if I did not pay the money (and the back payment of another month) they would go direct to my employer and take it at source.  Constantly they reminded me that failure to pay could result in penalties and taking my driving license away.  The whole scenario made me really want to quit my job but I did not want my ex to win, she obviously wanted to destroy me both financially and emotionally, a theme that seems to exist with nearly every single father at some point in time.

After another month of feeling ill worrying I received an unexpected phonecall one day that my ex's solicitors had been in contact and agreed to a sale on the house.  There were strings attached with it however as the equity of the house was to be held pending the divorce settlement.  The timing of all of this was pretty remarkable as I was literally a few days from handing back the keys and getting a black mark against my name.

Due to the difficulties and lack of communication by me ex, the solicitor advised that going to court would be my best bet to see my children and create a court order.  This was not cheap to do as I did not qualify for legal aid, but paying the CSA and not having to pay for a mortgage allowed me to save a couple of hundred pounds each month towards it.  I had three months until court and a barrister for the day was going to be £350.  Yes a barrister.  It sounded heavy handed but given all my ex's erratic and rash behaviour I needed to go into that court room with the best possible chance to see my children.

The hearing was due in August and by then Father's day had come and gone along with my birthday.  Thankfully none of my children's birthdays had been during this time.  Shortly before the court date I had a phonecall from a lady who worked for CAFCASS.  She explained that her job was to understand the situation and talk to both parties and the children, they then advise the court of their findings.  The questions that I was posed were very strange, asking me how my relationship was with my children, asking about what I did with them on my days with them and also hinting towards if I had any anger issues.  I was very puzzled but answered all of the questions truthfully, they then thanked me for my time and said I would see them in court.

I didn't sleep very well leading upto the court date, I hadn't slept very well for a few months in all honesty but now I was playing out scenarios in my mind as to what reasons she would give at court for why I couldn't see our children anymore.

On the day of the court hearing I felt optimistic and a little intimidated.  For the first time in five months I was going to face my ex.  The person who had been playing with my life as if it was a game.  I wore a suit and drove to court with my girlfriend and some of my family.  Walking through the main doors to the court building was surreal, a bit like going through airport security but with lots of polished wood everywhere.  I was led to the waiting room whereby I sat amongst many other people who were all discussing their cases.  It was strange as you could hear all the ins and outs of their problems, from not paying rent, criminal damage to adopting children, it was all happening there.

An usher beckoned me to follow them downstairs to a small room.  I entered the room alone and was met with a single desk, a chair and a lady from CAFCASS.  I was issued with a piece of paper outlining their findings from talking to both myself and my ex.  The reason given for stopping me seeing our children so suddenly?  I was accused of strangling my ex in front of the children when I returned them from their last day out with me back in April.  I nearly fell off my chair.  What on earth was my ex thinking!  Why would she want to lie about something so serious?  How do I defend this kind of allegation??

Introductions, Security, Christmas, Breakdown

I carried on seeing my children every Saturday during the daytime, 10am-5pm using hire cars and borrowing friend's cars where I could. There was no way I could rely on borrowing what used to be my car on a Saturday so I needed security.  Despite signing agreements, these were now ignored by my ex.

I introduced my children to my partner after a month, with whom thanks to her lovely family, I lived with.  Sharing a house that I could take the children back to was fantastic, no more hanging about in parks or paying out for indoor play centres every Saturday when it was raining (the novelty was wearing off for them.)

Christmas was on the horizon and the days were not to fall onto a Saturday.  My ex said that they were going away for Christmas and could not be contacted plus I was working on the boxing day.  It was the hardest Christmas I had ever endured.  I am not religious in any way and to me Christmas is a time for family to get together and to watch your children's faces as they open their presents.  To me that is a very happy and rewarding sight.  I managed to let them open their presents before Christmas, ironically in her house and I played with them for a bit.  I took photos and videos so that on Christmas day I could at least take comfort in looking at them.  My partner and both of our families helped me get through this time.

One of my children had their birthday shortly after the new year and I was stunned that both myself and my partner were invited to the party by my ex.  My children were so happy that we were there and it reinforced for me that maybe it would all stay amicable.  It turned out if anything we were there to watch the children as my ex had no control over them running through the city centre streets.  One of them would have gone missing if it wasn't for my keen eyed partner spotting him wandering off amongst the crowds.  My ex didn't bat an eyelid towards it which we both found alarming.  There had been numerous comments by my ex to her friend during the party including "I had the knife especially sharpened" whilst walking down an alley way.  I pretended to not hear it but it played on my mind.  Once back to their house I said bye to my children as did my partner and this was the cue for my ex to begin an "Eastenders style" shouting rant as we walked calmly away.  I had no idea what my children must have thought.  It was a wake up call to me that things were far from being alright.

The vehicle situation got a lot better thanks to a kind donation of money from my family, it was enough so that my partner could buy a car and finally we were not restricted anymore.  A huge weight of our shoulders.

Since the time that we had gone our separate ways, I had put my house up for sale.  Although it was my name on the deeds and the mortgage I was perfectly aware that under matrimonial law any equity would be halved between us.  Annoying especially as I had big debts to pay off when I bought the house originally.  I had some prospective buyers come and go but no offers had been made.

My time with the children meanwhile was rapidly diminishing, birthday party after birthday party cropped up and the driving backward and forward started to take its toll.  If I said "no" to the children attending (sometimes I was told on the day before!) then I was threatened that the children did not want to see me.  It was almost like I wasn't allowed to take the children back to where I was living and spend time playing on games consoles, crafting and building with lego.  I found it very difficult to understand, especially when the children did not always seem to know whose party they were attending and they even questioned their mother who on the spot would tell them a name that they still didn't know.  My 10-5 was becoming more like 10-12 if I was lucky.

I did manage to have a few full sessions with them and we had a lot of fun together, baking, making things and playing games and no doubt they would tell their mother what they had been doing.  One Monday I received a phone call from my ex after having the children to learn that all three of them had contracted worms and indicated that it was from my partner's mum's dogs.  I panicked and ran to the pharmacist to buy worming tablets in-case we did all have worms.  Then I did what I should have done in the first place...I stopped everything and started to research worms in animals.  I was stunned to read from the NHS website that humans could not contract dog worms from a dog, therefore what I had been told was untrue along with the very quick diagnosis by a "pharmacist" as the rate of contracting worms to passing them was a lot longer than the time that has passed.  I explained to my ex that I felt that this was unjustified and wrong to blame the dogs but received a lot of verbal back over the phone and made to feel like I was responsible for making my children ill.  Although this seemed a fairly petty but annoying scenario, this was not to end here.

I received a letter from my ex's solicitor stating that the dogs at the house I lived at had made the children ill and that one of them also had a phobia of dogs.  This was all very strange and I tried to re-assure my ex that the "worms scenario" was incorrect and that none of them were scared of the dogs, in-fact they played with them when they were over.  My ex wouldn't listen and demanded that the dogs were banished.  Of course being in a house that is not mine, there was no way that I could do this, nor did I want to.  This was purely another attempt at stopping me from bringing the children to the house.

One Saturday I arrived to collect the children and my ex started shouting at me in-front of the children about the solicitor's letters that she had sent me.  I told her that I had not received the letters and carried on buckling the seatbelts as we prepared to leave for a tourist attraction.  My ex went on and on at me about the children not wanting to see me and that they had nosebleeds before I arrive from the anxiety of it all.  She even told me that she didn't "give a fuck about the dogs."  I really didn't want the children to hear all of this language and started to drive off.  With that she started telling the kids that I would buy them whatever they wanted at the tourist attraction.  This angered me a little as she knew that I was very tight on money.

It was a bit of an unsettling day to be honest and we tried to have a good time with the children and even let them plan the next Saturday.  They unanimously said "swimming" and were looking forward to it a lot.  I was a bit nervous about dropping the children off and rightfully so as when I arrived with my partner, my ex and her friend were waiting for me.  Immediately I was told that I was only to see the children every other Saturday and I replied that it wasn't fair on the children and that we had plans for the following Saturday.  My ex told me "tough" and began shouting at my partner who was also in our car so I drove off not wanting any confrontation in-front of the children.

During that week on the Wednesday while having a meal kindly paid for by my partner I received the phone call that you never want to have.  It was my ex telling me that I was never going to see the children anymore....

When It All Comes Crashing Down

It's one of the most horrible times of your life when your relationship comes to an end.
 
The person that you dated, loved, settled down with, bought a house with, had children with and planned to grow old surrounded by a caring family.  There one minute and in one swift action gone the next.  It could be a gradual breakdown like mine spanning a few years where one moment everything is great and the next you are made to feel unloved and you are treading on eggshells trying to make everything alright again by doing as much as you can in the house to rectify this mystery mood that has settled itself down over your partner or it could be all over in one drunken night where all of a sudden everything comes to a cataclysmic head fuelled by alcohol.

It is sad however it happens but for me I felt confused and angry.  We had carried on living together separated, despite my wife at the time attempting to force me out of the house using an anti-molestation order citing "an unpleasant atmosphere." and regularly leaving me with the children so she could go out all glammed up on the town.  Reading the children a bedtime story knowing that you will not be doing this for much longer only adds to the anxiety and fear, but for now I tried to cover up those thoughts by playing online games against my friends once everyone was asleep.  My children and the pride of my house were the only things that kept me at the house.

After a few months I found a lovely refreshing new partner and at the same time my wife along with the children moved out to live with her mother back in her home town leaving a vacated house that I couldn't afford to own anymore.  I was very luckily offered a bed at my girlfriend's family home.  It was a very kind gesture by them but at the same time to not see the children each day when I finished work, to not kiss them goodnight ensured that I would cry myself to sleep regularly.

At first things between me and my wife seemed amicable.  I gave her a little bit of money that I could spare towards the children and we agreed that once the house was sold then I could pay more.  I saw the kids for a few hours on a Saturday and this helped them understand what was happening.  This carried on for a couple of months before things started to change.

Where I worked I had a company van which I could use at weekends, I also owned my own car.  My wife one evening text me demanding that I give her the car so that she could drive the children about places.  I told her "no" as where she lived she had access to public transport and all the shops were close plus her mum had a car.  I then got threatened with solicitors and that unless I gave her the car then she would stop me seeing the children and take me to the cleaners.  I was very worried as all of this was new to me and I took advice from family and friends, some was useful and some not so.  For the sake of the car I made a deal that if she had the car that I must be able to drive it on Saturdays as my van didn't have enough seats plus I probably wasn't insured to drive the children about in it.

At first it worked but by xmas I began finding out, by chance, via the good old faceless text message service late on a Friday that the car was either broken down or not available.  Ok there are trains, buses and taxis but in the precious time you have with your children you want to make the most of it. 

The best piece of advice during this time I was ever given was from my uncle. 
He told me that "If your children mean so much to you then you do whatever it takes."
It may not have worked with my marriage but when your children are little it is not as if you need the other half to tango.

A frantic search for hire cars on a Saturday morning became the latest game.  The shock on her face was fairly rewarding when she saw me arrive in a brand new car, ok it cost me £25 plus petrol but for the logistics involved in moving my little gang about and enjoying our time together it most certainly paid off.

For now........

Introduction

Hello and Welcome!

My name is James and I live in the UK.  I have three lovely children and as any caring father would appreciate I love them to the moon and back and would do anything for them.

I will be beginning a blog that will hopefully be useful to many fathers when it comes to a marriage breaking down.  I aim to document all of my experiences, thoughts and emotions from the initial moments of the separation through to my dealings with family court proceedings, contact orders, the csa, family doctors and schools as well as many emotionally charged scenarios that have presented themselves during this time.

My views and opinions are solely my own and written from the heart as a caring father that has managed to keep a cool and calm head through this time.  I will not lie, this has been the hardest part of my life to go through and something that I wish upon no other father. 
I have realised through talking to others that it is sadly a very common occurrence and I have been subjected to a fairly extreme form of emotional and psychological torment by my ex-wife.

I look forward to sharing these events with you and offering any support I can possibly give.

Kind Regards,

James.