Introductions, Security, Christmas, Breakdown

I carried on seeing my children every Saturday during the daytime, 10am-5pm using hire cars and borrowing friend's cars where I could. There was no way I could rely on borrowing what used to be my car on a Saturday so I needed security.  Despite signing agreements, these were now ignored by my ex.

I introduced my children to my partner after a month, with whom thanks to her lovely family, I lived with.  Sharing a house that I could take the children back to was fantastic, no more hanging about in parks or paying out for indoor play centres every Saturday when it was raining (the novelty was wearing off for them.)

Christmas was on the horizon and the days were not to fall onto a Saturday.  My ex said that they were going away for Christmas and could not be contacted plus I was working on the boxing day.  It was the hardest Christmas I had ever endured.  I am not religious in any way and to me Christmas is a time for family to get together and to watch your children's faces as they open their presents.  To me that is a very happy and rewarding sight.  I managed to let them open their presents before Christmas, ironically in her house and I played with them for a bit.  I took photos and videos so that on Christmas day I could at least take comfort in looking at them.  My partner and both of our families helped me get through this time.

One of my children had their birthday shortly after the new year and I was stunned that both myself and my partner were invited to the party by my ex.  My children were so happy that we were there and it reinforced for me that maybe it would all stay amicable.  It turned out if anything we were there to watch the children as my ex had no control over them running through the city centre streets.  One of them would have gone missing if it wasn't for my keen eyed partner spotting him wandering off amongst the crowds.  My ex didn't bat an eyelid towards it which we both found alarming.  There had been numerous comments by my ex to her friend during the party including "I had the knife especially sharpened" whilst walking down an alley way.  I pretended to not hear it but it played on my mind.  Once back to their house I said bye to my children as did my partner and this was the cue for my ex to begin an "Eastenders style" shouting rant as we walked calmly away.  I had no idea what my children must have thought.  It was a wake up call to me that things were far from being alright.

The vehicle situation got a lot better thanks to a kind donation of money from my family, it was enough so that my partner could buy a car and finally we were not restricted anymore.  A huge weight of our shoulders.

Since the time that we had gone our separate ways, I had put my house up for sale.  Although it was my name on the deeds and the mortgage I was perfectly aware that under matrimonial law any equity would be halved between us.  Annoying especially as I had big debts to pay off when I bought the house originally.  I had some prospective buyers come and go but no offers had been made.

My time with the children meanwhile was rapidly diminishing, birthday party after birthday party cropped up and the driving backward and forward started to take its toll.  If I said "no" to the children attending (sometimes I was told on the day before!) then I was threatened that the children did not want to see me.  It was almost like I wasn't allowed to take the children back to where I was living and spend time playing on games consoles, crafting and building with lego.  I found it very difficult to understand, especially when the children did not always seem to know whose party they were attending and they even questioned their mother who on the spot would tell them a name that they still didn't know.  My 10-5 was becoming more like 10-12 if I was lucky.

I did manage to have a few full sessions with them and we had a lot of fun together, baking, making things and playing games and no doubt they would tell their mother what they had been doing.  One Monday I received a phone call from my ex after having the children to learn that all three of them had contracted worms and indicated that it was from my partner's mum's dogs.  I panicked and ran to the pharmacist to buy worming tablets in-case we did all have worms.  Then I did what I should have done in the first place...I stopped everything and started to research worms in animals.  I was stunned to read from the NHS website that humans could not contract dog worms from a dog, therefore what I had been told was untrue along with the very quick diagnosis by a "pharmacist" as the rate of contracting worms to passing them was a lot longer than the time that has passed.  I explained to my ex that I felt that this was unjustified and wrong to blame the dogs but received a lot of verbal back over the phone and made to feel like I was responsible for making my children ill.  Although this seemed a fairly petty but annoying scenario, this was not to end here.

I received a letter from my ex's solicitor stating that the dogs at the house I lived at had made the children ill and that one of them also had a phobia of dogs.  This was all very strange and I tried to re-assure my ex that the "worms scenario" was incorrect and that none of them were scared of the dogs, in-fact they played with them when they were over.  My ex wouldn't listen and demanded that the dogs were banished.  Of course being in a house that is not mine, there was no way that I could do this, nor did I want to.  This was purely another attempt at stopping me from bringing the children to the house.

One Saturday I arrived to collect the children and my ex started shouting at me in-front of the children about the solicitor's letters that she had sent me.  I told her that I had not received the letters and carried on buckling the seatbelts as we prepared to leave for a tourist attraction.  My ex went on and on at me about the children not wanting to see me and that they had nosebleeds before I arrive from the anxiety of it all.  She even told me that she didn't "give a fuck about the dogs."  I really didn't want the children to hear all of this language and started to drive off.  With that she started telling the kids that I would buy them whatever they wanted at the tourist attraction.  This angered me a little as she knew that I was very tight on money.

It was a bit of an unsettling day to be honest and we tried to have a good time with the children and even let them plan the next Saturday.  They unanimously said "swimming" and were looking forward to it a lot.  I was a bit nervous about dropping the children off and rightfully so as when I arrived with my partner, my ex and her friend were waiting for me.  Immediately I was told that I was only to see the children every other Saturday and I replied that it wasn't fair on the children and that we had plans for the following Saturday.  My ex told me "tough" and began shouting at my partner who was also in our car so I drove off not wanting any confrontation in-front of the children.

During that week on the Wednesday while having a meal kindly paid for by my partner I received the phone call that you never want to have.  It was my ex telling me that I was never going to see the children anymore....

When It All Comes Crashing Down

It's one of the most horrible times of your life when your relationship comes to an end.
 
The person that you dated, loved, settled down with, bought a house with, had children with and planned to grow old surrounded by a caring family.  There one minute and in one swift action gone the next.  It could be a gradual breakdown like mine spanning a few years where one moment everything is great and the next you are made to feel unloved and you are treading on eggshells trying to make everything alright again by doing as much as you can in the house to rectify this mystery mood that has settled itself down over your partner or it could be all over in one drunken night where all of a sudden everything comes to a cataclysmic head fuelled by alcohol.

It is sad however it happens but for me I felt confused and angry.  We had carried on living together separated, despite my wife at the time attempting to force me out of the house using an anti-molestation order citing "an unpleasant atmosphere." and regularly leaving me with the children so she could go out all glammed up on the town.  Reading the children a bedtime story knowing that you will not be doing this for much longer only adds to the anxiety and fear, but for now I tried to cover up those thoughts by playing online games against my friends once everyone was asleep.  My children and the pride of my house were the only things that kept me at the house.

After a few months I found a lovely refreshing new partner and at the same time my wife along with the children moved out to live with her mother back in her home town leaving a vacated house that I couldn't afford to own anymore.  I was very luckily offered a bed at my girlfriend's family home.  It was a very kind gesture by them but at the same time to not see the children each day when I finished work, to not kiss them goodnight ensured that I would cry myself to sleep regularly.

At first things between me and my wife seemed amicable.  I gave her a little bit of money that I could spare towards the children and we agreed that once the house was sold then I could pay more.  I saw the kids for a few hours on a Saturday and this helped them understand what was happening.  This carried on for a couple of months before things started to change.

Where I worked I had a company van which I could use at weekends, I also owned my own car.  My wife one evening text me demanding that I give her the car so that she could drive the children about places.  I told her "no" as where she lived she had access to public transport and all the shops were close plus her mum had a car.  I then got threatened with solicitors and that unless I gave her the car then she would stop me seeing the children and take me to the cleaners.  I was very worried as all of this was new to me and I took advice from family and friends, some was useful and some not so.  For the sake of the car I made a deal that if she had the car that I must be able to drive it on Saturdays as my van didn't have enough seats plus I probably wasn't insured to drive the children about in it.

At first it worked but by xmas I began finding out, by chance, via the good old faceless text message service late on a Friday that the car was either broken down or not available.  Ok there are trains, buses and taxis but in the precious time you have with your children you want to make the most of it. 

The best piece of advice during this time I was ever given was from my uncle. 
He told me that "If your children mean so much to you then you do whatever it takes."
It may not have worked with my marriage but when your children are little it is not as if you need the other half to tango.

A frantic search for hire cars on a Saturday morning became the latest game.  The shock on her face was fairly rewarding when she saw me arrive in a brand new car, ok it cost me £25 plus petrol but for the logistics involved in moving my little gang about and enjoying our time together it most certainly paid off.

For now........